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Advice Category: Community

School Smart, Love Dumb

I recently started seeing a very nice guy who also happens to be a grad student here on campus. My question is, how do I find the time and energy for dating while being a grad student? What specific activities can I do here in Seattle, given that there’s hardly any time on weekdays, we are not living together, and we are both not rich enough to afford cars?

I’m really clueless on how to keep this thing going. Due to class/TA hours, we have only a 30-minute window to meet for lunch, and it always so happens that if he brings lunch from home, I forget to, so I need to go out to eat, which isn’t enough time for him to get back to his next class, and vice-versa. He gets to campus really early, so he’s tired by 7 pm, which is when I get out of OH, so we can’t really meet after that. Which leaves weekends, and it’s always raining here, so hikes are ruled out until summer, I think.

We’ve done all the getting-to-know-each-other talks, now I sense a bit of boredom seeping into our bland meetings. Apart from there not being much time to meet (as described above), there’s also this thing that ever since I started grad school, all I can think and talk about is my research. I literally have no clue what’s going on in the world, I’m too tired to have an opinion on anything, and I haven’t seen any movies recently. I just don’t know how to fix this! Is this something other grad students who are dating relate to? Any advice on how to fix it?  —Stuck in Love, Suck at Love

Well, what an interesting dilemma. It seems to this guide that you need to break down the larger issue of finding time to connect and identify each small problem and then brainstorm solutions with your significant other.  

Problem #1: If one of you brings lunch and the other buys lunch, you have no time to eat and talk together.
Possible solutions: Commit to always bringing lunch. Commit to always buying lunch. Eat in a campus café where you are welcome to bring outside food in (Rotunda, HUB, H-Bar, etc.).

Problem #2: You don’t know what to do on the weekends, especially in the winter.
Possible solutions: Learn to like hiking in the rain. Do an urban hike. Download a Seattle guide and try to do one a weekend. Take advantage of UW events.

Problem #3: You have nothing in common to talk about.
Possible solutions: Try to talk about your research in a big-picture way that’s relatable. Create shared experiences. Consult a guide of free/cheap fun dates. Email or text quick messages throughout the day and try to build up a casual, ongoing conversation that’s less intimidating than trying to save all conversation for weekends. 

And now let’s open it up to other graduate students to share their suggestions. Have you ever found yourself in Suck at Love’s situation? Please leave your tips in the comments!

Ask the Grad School Guide is an advice column for all y’all graduate and professional students. Real questions from real students, answered by real people. If the guide doesn’t know the answer, the guide will seek out experts all across campus to address the issue. (Please note: The guide is not a medical doctor, therapist, lawyer or academic advisor, and all advice offered here is for informational purposes only.) Submit a question for the column →

Managing Conflict: Strategies for Approaching Difficult Conversations

At an event in April 2016, sponsored by Hutch United and the Association for Women in Science, Emma Williams, Associate Ombud at UW, shared effective strategies for managing conflict.

First, we know that being a postdoc is highly stressful. You have many deadlines, demands, funding uncertainties and questions about your future. Research shows that people who make decisions from a stressed mental state tend to have a narrower perspective about their options. On the other hand, approaching a problem from a positive mindset – one of gratitude, generosity, and grace – can improve creative problem-solving and open up previously unseen options. In light of this, we offer a few tips the next time you experience even a minor conflict:

  1. Take a deep breath and a break. While it is important to address conflicts soon, before they fester, it is also critical to calm down before responding.  Taking a little time, even 24 hours, will often give you perspective and allow you to explore options for responding.
  2. Prepare, prepare, prepare. Ask yourself: what would you like to see happen? And, how can you make that most likely?
  3. Consider the ‘who, what, when, where, and why’.
    • Who: Is there someone who can help you have a better discussion? Bringing in another person – perhaps from your research group or from your mentoring team – can both offer support or another perspective on the conversation.
    • What: What should this conversation be about? If it is a seemingly small thing – or series of small things – in the research group, what does this pattern of behavior really signal to you? What’s really the overall concern?
    • When/where: When and where are the best place to have a productive conversation? Find a neutral territory and a time when you can both focus.
    • Why: What are your goals for the conversation? What are the results or outcomes you want to see?
  4. Practice. Ask a peer or another trusted colleague to have a mock discussion with you.  Practice the tough questions or responding to difficult scenarios, and practice remaining calm, respectful, and clear about your goals.
  5. Step away when you need to. If the conversation does go sideways, take a break.  Acknowledge the conversation isn’t productive now and you’ll come back to it. You can name a time/day when you want to pick it up again so it doesn’t linger further. You can also send an email follow up to clarify your goals for the conversation, and be descriptive about what is making it difficult to have this conversation (e.g. “the conversation broke down when…”), and then ask for what you need (e.g. “it would help me if…”).

While you are in it, here are a few additional strategies that can help the conversation go well.

  1. Save your reactions. Try not to respond in the moment from an emotional place.  Take time to digest what they are saying, and stick to your plan.
  2. Consider their perspective. Ask curious questions rather than defending, such as: “Can you tell me more about that?” You may get more data, more insight into their ultimate goals. Perhaps you can also find some alignment with your own goals.
  3. Educate, don’t escalate. It can help to be descriptive about the impact of their behavior on you or on the research group. Get them to see what is going on, and guide them to come to their own conclusions about what might need to happen.

If you need help thinking through a response to a difficult situation, you can also make an appointment with the Ombud Office to help you clarify your goals and work through a productive approach. You can reach the Ombud Office at 206.543.6028 or ombuds@uw.edu.

 

Originally posted on May 5, 2016.

To Do: Get a New To Do Manager

What’s the best to-do app/manager for grad students? —Lists Aren’t Cutting It

Well, to start, some of the better-known ones are Any.do, Doit.im, Remember the Milk, Todoist, Toodledo and Wunderlist. Keep, Trello and Workflowy are also popular, though they’re not exclusively to-do managers. And some people swear by a text file or just paper. But the best recommendations would probably come from fellow grad students! If you have a suggestion, please leave it in the comments!

Ask the Grad School Guide is an advice column for all y’all graduate and professional students. Real questions from real students, answered by real people. If the guide doesn’t know the answer, the guide will seek out experts all across campus to address the issue. (Please note: The guide is not a medical doctor, therapist, lawyer or academic advisor, and all advice offered here is for informational purposes only.) Submit a question for the column →

By Veterans, For Veterans

Graduate student and veteran Lindsay Zike wanted to help others make the transition from soldier to student. The Office of Student Veteran Life, recently established with her help, is doing just that.