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School Smart, Love Dumb

I recently started seeing a very nice guy who also happens to be a grad student here on campus. My question is, how do I find the time and energy for dating while being a grad student? What specific activities can I do here in Seattle, given that there’s hardly any time on weekdays, we are not living together, and we are both not rich enough to afford cars?

I’m really clueless on how to keep this thing going. Due to class/TA hours, we have only a 30-minute window to meet for lunch, and it always so happens that if he brings lunch from home, I forget to, so I need to go out to eat, which isn’t enough time for him to get back to his next class, and vice-versa. He gets to campus really early, so he’s tired by 7 pm, which is when I get out of OH, so we can’t really meet after that. Which leaves weekends, and it’s always raining here, so hikes are ruled out until summer, I think.

We’ve done all the getting-to-know-each-other talks, now I sense a bit of boredom seeping into our bland meetings. Apart from there not being much time to meet (as described above), there’s also this thing that ever since I started grad school, all I can think and talk about is my research. I literally have no clue what’s going on in the world, I’m too tired to have an opinion on anything, and I haven’t seen any movies recently. I just don’t know how to fix this! Is this something other grad students who are dating relate to? Any advice on how to fix it?  —Stuck in Love, Suck at Love

Well, what an interesting dilemma. It seems to this guru that you need to break down the larger issue of finding time to connect and identify each small problem and then brainstorm solutions with your significant other.  

Problem #1: If one of you brings lunch and the other buys lunch, you have no time to eat and talk together.
Possible solutions: Commit to always bringing lunch. Commit to always buying lunch. Eat in a campus café where you are welcome to bring outside food in (Rotunda, HUB, H-Bar, etc.).

Problem #2: You don’t know what to do on the weekends, especially in the winter.
Possible solutions: Learn to like hiking in the rain. Do an urban hike. Download a Seattle guide and try to do one a weekend. Take advantage of UW events.

Problem #3: You have nothing in common to talk about.
Possible solutions: Try to talk about your research in a big-picture way that’s relatable. Create shared experiences. Consult a guide of free/cheap fun dates. Email or text quick messages throughout the day and try to build up a casual, ongoing conversation that’s less intimidating than trying to save all conversation for weekends. 

And now let’s open it up to other graduate students to share their suggestions. Have you ever found yourself in Suck at Love’s situation? Please leave your tips in the comments!

Ask the Grad School Guru is an advice column for all y’all graduate and professional students. Real questions from real students, answered by real people. If the guru doesn’t know the answer, the guru will seek out experts all across campus to address the issue. (Please note: The guru is not a medical doctor, therapist, lawyer or academic advisor, and all advice offered here is for informational purposes only.) Submit a question for the column →

Talking with Faculty About Diverse Careers

Spring quarter is full for everyone, and we also know that many of you are in different stages of reflecting on your career goals.  You may be thinking about what you want to do upon degree completion, starting an internship, preparing application materials, or deepening your expertise in a job you already have.  Throughout this process, some of you have asked: “How do I initiate a conversation my faculty advisor(s) about my professional goals?”

Do your research.  It can be anxiety-provoking to think about approaching your faculty advisor or mentor about your career interests, especially if those interests diverge from you becoming research faculty at a college or university.  One of the best ways to initiate a conversation with your advisor is to be prepared beforehand.  Here are some tips to help you gather the baseline information you need for that conversation:  Assess your work-related interests, strengths, and values to develop a more holistic awareness of who you are as a professional.  Utilize the UW Career Center’s comprehensive guide on building resumes and cvs, career advice, interviewing, and job searching. Understand how the skills you are developing in graduate school are indeed transferable across fields and industries.  Peruse job postings (and volunteer opportunities) that resonate with your self-assessments, whether they are based in non-profit, industry, or government sectors.  Research professional associations affiliated with the fields you are interested in, and contact their members via their websites or LinkedIn.  Set up informational interviews with individuals from professional associations, or with employees from companies and organizations that you can imagine yourself working at–to grow your networks.

Get in the habit of career planning over time.  The strategies noted above are part of a larger process of intentional career planning.   This is a lot of work, but well worth the effort.  Intentional career planning is necessary, if you want to move forward in both knowing and reaching your professional goals.  Break your goals up into smaller tasks, and work on them for 30 min. to an hour each week. You will move forward one step at a time, rather than trying to tackle it all at once.

Develop and bring materials with you.  When you do talk with your faculty advisor, you can bring a simple one page proposal of the career exploration you are engaged in, including sources you are researching and near-term plans for learning more about different options.

Prepare for different responses.  You may reach out to one faculty advisor or several.  In fact, we encourage you to meet with more than one mentor on your team to widen your potential for support.  Practice role playing scenarios with a trusted colleague or friend, where you engage in a conversation about your career interests.   Ask your friend to mimic the most unsupportive response to the most supportive response.  Utilize these mock responses to gauge what your next steps will be.  For example, maybe you find out your advisor has no interest in talking about diverse career opportunities with you but is still fully supportive of your intellectual and technical growth as it pertains to your discipline only.  Whom else can you identify (within or outside of your mentoring team) that will advocate for your need to explore diverse career paths?

Help your advisor help you.  It is highly likely that your faculty advisor was trained to be a teacher and researcher first and foremost, so they may not have the experience to guide you in exploring diverse career pathways.  Share with them your knowledge of all the professional development resources you are accessing (networking, professional associations, social media, UW Career Centers, etc.).  Forward them information about campus events, such as job fairs, the Core Programs community college careers panel, or workshops sponsored by the Career Center like How to Find a Job Outside of Academia for Humanities and Social Sciences PhDs.  By doing this, you’ll be facilitating a reciprocal learning process about your professional development with your advisor.

All right, we’re totally rooting for you!  Please feel free to follow up with us, and let us know if these strategies worked for you.  And let us know if you have other suggestions.

Warmly,
Jaye Sablan, Kelly Edwards, Ziyan Bai
Core Programs, UW Graduate School

Managing Conflict: Strategies for Approaching Difficult Conversations

At an event in April 2016, sponsored by Hutch United and the Association for Women in Science, Emma Williams, Associate Ombud at UW, shared effective strategies for managing conflict.

First, we know that being a postdoc is highly stressful. You have many deadlines, demands, funding uncertainties and questions about your future. Research shows that people who make decisions from a stressed mental state tend to have a narrower perspective about their options. On the other hand, approaching a problem from a positive mindset – one of gratitude, generosity, and grace – can improve creative problem-solving and open up previously unseen options. In light of this, we offer a few tips the next time you experience even a minor conflict:

  1. Take a deep breath and a break. While it is important to address conflicts soon, before they fester, it is also critical to calm down before responding.  Taking a little time, even 24 hours, will often give you perspective and allow you to explore options for responding.
  2. Prepare, prepare, prepare. Ask yourself: what would you like to see happen? And, how can you make that most likely?
  3. Consider the ‘who, what, when, where, and why’.
    • Who: Is there someone who can help you have a better discussion? Bringing in another person – perhaps from your research group or from your mentoring team – can both offer support or another perspective on the conversation.
    • What: What should this conversation be about? If it is a seemingly small thing – or series of small things – in the research group, what does this pattern of behavior really signal to you? What’s really the overall concern?
    • When/where: When and where are the best place to have a productive conversation? Find a neutral territory and a time when you can both focus.
    • Why: What are your goals for the conversation? What are the results or outcomes you want to see?
  4. Practice. Ask a peer or another trusted colleague to have a mock discussion with you.  Practice the tough questions or responding to difficult scenarios, and practice remaining calm, respectful, and clear about your goals.
  5. Step away when you need to. If the conversation does go sideways, take a break.  Acknowledge the conversation isn’t productive now and you’ll come back to it. You can name a time/day when you want to pick it up again so it doesn’t linger further. You can also send an email follow up to clarify your goals for the conversation, and be descriptive about what is making it difficult to have this conversation (e.g. “the conversation broke down when…”), and then ask for what you need (e.g. “it would help me if…”).

While you are in it, here are a few additional strategies that can help the conversation go well.

  1. Save your reactions. Try not to respond in the moment from an emotional place.  Take time to digest what they are saying, and stick to your plan.
  2. Consider their perspective. Ask curious questions rather than defending, such as: “Can you tell me more about that?” You may get more data, more insight into their ultimate goals. Perhaps you can also find some alignment with your own goals.
  3. Educate, don’t escalate. It can help to be descriptive about the impact of their behavior on you or on the research group. Get them to see what is going on, and guide them to come to their own conclusions about what might need to happen.

If you need help thinking through a response to a difficult situation, you can also make an appointment with the Ombud Office to help you clarify your goals and work through a productive approach. You can reach the Ombud Office at 206.543.6028 or ombuds@uw.edu.

 

Originally posted on May 5, 2016.

Mentoring 2.0: Finding and Working with Faculty Mentors

Throughout the year, we offered you strategies to get the mentoring you need to thrive in graduate and professional school—and we will continue to do so. We have suggested that building a mentor team of peers, faculty, departmental staff, friends, work colleagues and community members can help you recognize and meet your needs and goals as a whole person—not just as a student. We know that “finding a mentor” and “building a team” isn’t as simple as it sounds. It is actually pretty common to hit some bumps on the road as you identify and build working relationships with mentors on your team. We hope the following tips will help you address those concerns:

Difficulty finding a mentor. Depending on your degree program, you may or may not have been assigned a faculty advisor or future mentor (there is a difference between an advisor and mentor). Maybe you’re a little introverted and shy about approaching faculty. Or maybe you just don’t know where to start.  Try out these strategies: (1) Ask peers about faculty mentors whom they work with and why. Ask them about the qualities they seek in mentors, and see if their responses resonate with your needs. (2) Re-visit faculty web profiles—including those outside of your degree program—and identify shared fields of interest. (3) After completing steps one and two, make a list of the faculty you’d like to work with, and send them an email to set up a meeting. This guide has helpful tips for setting up that first meeting. Bringing your first draft of an individual development plan (IDP) to this meeting can help you and your new mentor visualize—and plan for—the goals and experiences you’d like to have at the UW and beyond. The conversation may just be an informative 30 minutes to guide you along your path, or it may lead to a longer term working relationship.

Committed to mentoring, but unavailable. You’ve identified a faculty mentor who is excited about working with you. You’ve had a few meetings where you’ve built momentum and plans of action to get things done. You both get along great! Then suddenly it’s gotten difficult for you to meet your mentor for a range of reasons. They’re about to go on research sabbatical, added more projects to their plate, planning for retirement, experiencing life stressors that you are not privy to, etc.  You’ve unintentionally fallen off their radar; it isn’t about you, but it’s still frustrating. What should you do? Get back on their radar by setting up a check-in meeting. If your mentor isn’t responding to your e-mails for whatever reason, figure out an alternative method for communication. Leave your cell number with departmental staff and request that your mentor contact you. When your mentor responds, just calmly note that it has been sometime since you connected. You can ask directly if anything has changed to impact the work you are doing together.  You may find that you’ll both need to re-visit your mentor/mentee agreement, the frequency of your meetings, or that you’ll need a new mentor depending on the circumstances. The circumstances could be temporary, and sometimes just resetting a communication plan, or using different communication tools, can help.

Not the mentor you expected. There are numerous reasons why a mentor isn’t a fit for you.  These can include personality differences, conflicts that are unresolvable, or the feedback they are providing no longer supports your intellectual and professional growth. At this point, it’s critical that you reflect on a plan to change advisors so you can continue your work towards your graduate or professional degree. The first thing we suggest (if you haven’t already) is to seek advice from a trusted peer, faculty member, or department staff to help you think through ways to move forward. The point is to keep yourself from feeling and being isolated as you navigate the process. Second, check out these recommended suggestions for changing mentors or advisors from the UW Graduate School.

Additional Resources

It is also good to be upfront and clear about both of your expectations throughout the mentor-mentee relationship. Take a look these check-lists on expectations for mentors and mentees from the Doctoral program in the UW Department of Physics.

Postdocs, You Are Public Thought Leaders!

You have ideas what you are passionate about, and you have spent years cultivating expertise. Now, how do you get your voice heard? How can you work to advance the issues? How can you influence change?

In mid-April, the Office of Postdoc Affairs co-hosted a workshop from the OpEd Project, a national effort to diversify the voices we hear in public conversations. The facilitator Michele Weldon has 3 decades as a public thought leader through her books, articles, and media work. Certain key points stood out from the workshop:

  • Own your expertise. You are an expert in _____ because ______. What are you a go-to person for? On what basis do you have credibility in this area? Own it, even if it feels there are others around you who are more established, more credentialed, more famous. We need YOUR voice and perspective in the world for real impact to occur.
  • Personal promotion isn’t self-serving (only), it is working toward public service. That is, you aren’t just “tooting your own horn” when you say your voice matters, you are bringing attention to issues that are critical to you.  The bigger your sphere of influence the greater impact for change you can have. Reframe your approach to self-promoting activities like tweeting, blogging, writing pieces for public audiences/radio spots to building your sphere of influence for issues you care about. And, as a result, you distinguish yourself in what may be a crowded field.
  • “If you say things of consequence, there will be consequences. But the risk and alternative is to be inconsequential.” (OpEd Project saying) Anticipate nay-sayers. As you practice your response to those who will say “who cares” and “why you”, you can be ready to stand your ground with calm, clear and respectful confidence. Sometimes these doubting voices come from within our own heads. Practice saying the same calm, confident response back when that voice of self-doubt or imposter syndrome rises up. #OwnIt
  • Make a pitch to an editor. Craft a tight 4-5 sentence email that showcases the following:  So what? Why you? Why now? What’s the contribution?  Why this outlet? And then sign it with your full name and affiliations. Then cut/paste your 600-800 essay right below that (no attachments).  Editors are busy and they want to scan what you have, not take an extra step to ask for it.   You can use a descriptive email subject line: Timely commentary on ______.

We know that peer reviewed publications are still the coin of the realm as far as your own academic career goes. But how do you get people to read your peer reviewed publications? How can they make the kind of impact you’d like? Amplify your work by pairing peer-reviewed publications with pieces you write for the public conversation or using social media to get your work in front of more people in your professional networks.  Many postdocs have created their own professional websites to gather together examples of their research and engagement activities, to reflect more of who they are. Websites, coupled with social media, can expand your reach and help you stand out from others in a job search or otherwise crowded space. See Future of Ice Initiative postdoc Sarah Myhre’s website as a terrific example of this, and check out how she features both peer reviewed research and news media highlights. Have a good example of your own?  Send it to us, we want to feature it in an upcoming newsletter!

Write to Change the World.

Additional Resources:

Originally posted on April 21, 2016.

To Do: Get a New To Do Manager

What’s the best to-do app/manager for grad students? —Lists Aren’t Cutting It

Well, to start, some of the better-known ones are Any.do, Doit.im, Remember the Milk, Todoist, Toodledo and Wunderlist. Keep, Trello and Workflowy are also popular, though they’re not exclusively to-do managers. And some people swear by a text file or just paper. But the best recommendations would probably come from fellow grad students! If you have a suggestion, please leave it in the comments!

Ask the Grad School Guru is an advice column for all y’all graduate and professional students. Real questions from real students, answered by real people. If the guru doesn’t know the answer, the guru will seek out experts all across campus to address the issue. (Please note: The guru is not a medical doctor, therapist, lawyer or academic advisor, and all advice offered here is for informational purposes only.) Submit a question for the column →

Getting Unstuck, Moving Forward

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
– Winston Churchill

We know what you’re thinking: why are you already giving me tips on how to move forward from feeling stuck so early in the quarter?  Well, we thought we’d offer you some preventative tips to help you pull through, no matter where you’re at this quarter or what year you are in your degree program.  Besides, everyone gets stuck in life, and graduate school is no exception by any means. There are several factors that can contribute to feeling stuck from getting our work done.  We’ve put together a short list of these, including ways you can move forward.  So let’s begin:

Relieving the pressure.  Looming deadlines for school and work.  Family, community, and financial responsibilities.  Preparing for job searches, interviews, and possible relocations—near or far.  Those pressures can make us feel overwhelmingly stuck.  One way to relieve this weight is to re-focus your attention on what you need right now:  Do you need to slow down and take a few deep breaths (repeat every few hours)?  After that deep breath or two, and in a calmer state of mind, identify a single step you can take for one of your tasks that would help you feel you have accomplished something today.  Each task is just made up of a whole series of steps.  We have to start somewhere, and it often helps relieve the pressure to just take that one step.

Finding value in yourself (despite imperfections). We all struggle and have shortcomings. Indeed, in a job interview a common question is, “Tell me about your weaknesses!”  Being honest about your own limitations – not critical, just descriptive – can sometimes give you the awareness you need to move ahead again.  More often than not, we need a trusted conversation partner to help us see this perspective.  Reach out for support from peers, departmental staff or advisors, loved ones, or campus resources (whomever you feel most comfortable with).

Facing the fear of failure.  Academia can perpetuate the myth that we must be highly productive, all of the time.  And if we’re not, we must be failures.  Not only is this unrealistic and unattainable, this kind of culture obscures actual strategies for how to do our best work—and it can keep us from trying in the first place.  So how can we best manage this?  First, it’s helpful to think of failure in terms of progress over time—so you can grow into being that better professional, practitioner, or scholar.  It’s a process, not an end result.  You try, you learn, and you move forward—all the while validating and/or rewarding yourself each step of the way.  No matter how big or small the milestone.  It’s also vital that you build a support system of people who’ve got your back and will recognize your achievements along with you.

Remembering your purpose.  Feeling stuck can make you forget why you are in graduate or professional school in the first place.  It can also keep you in a false feedback loop that makes you believe that you are unsuccessful or unworthy of achievement.  Whenever you feel this way, remember that you are working hard towards your degree for many amazing reasons and focus on those—whether it’s to making a contribution to a field of knowledge, impacting policy that improves lives, getting a job that you love and that helps you provide for your families.  Remembering your end goals helps us focus on what really counts.

Warmly,

Jaye Sablan, Kelly Edwards, Ziyan Bai
Core Programs Team